MASCOT POWER AND SADE
Robbie Robertson, everyone's favorite non-lead vocalist frontman, put it best: "The Road... it's a goddamn impossible way of life." In that spirit, Going South is starting to wind things down. In less than a week, we'll be vacating the old Impala and trading in our walking shoes for fur-lined loafers.
What's that? You thought we were going to leave you without doing one last update on the SEC Mascot Power Rankings? In the words of the inimitable Sade in her classic ballad, Lover's Rock, I couldn't do that.
Great album, by the way. Slide that in the old compact disc player and you can't help but fall headfirst into a swirling pool of romance and sensuality.
SEC MASCOT POWER RANKINGS
10. Colonel Reb (Ole Miss)
Yes, Colonel Reb is a banned mascot. And yes, it's easy to see why some people would be grossly offended by the idea of a stuffed confederate colonel roving the SEC sidelines. But the Colonel's place has been cemented on our final Power Ranking's Top Ten for one simple reason: the almost cult-like following he enjoys at Ole Miss. Asking around campus, the overwhelming response was two-fold. First, bring back the Colonel. Two, why in the world was he banned in the first place?
No joke - try as we might, we never were able to convince anyone why the Colonel might ruffle a few feathers.
Colonel Reb is not the preferred nomenclature, Dude.
9. Big Al (Alabama)
Great outfit. Lively guy. Huge trunk. As far as outfits go, Big Al really is one of the finest specimens the SEC has to offer.
Unfortunately, Al seems to do his Tide more bad than good, by calling attention to the shameful fact that Alabama has yet to procure a live elephant. They're standing on the doorstep of the greatest mascot in the history of the entire world, and can't seal the deal. Sorry Al, but you'll always just be a shadow of your big brother who never was.
The illustrious Mr. C.
8. Mr. C (Vanderbilt)
We never met him. We never saw him in action. But have you ever noticed how much Mr. C looks like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets. For those who might have forgotten, Statler and Waldorf are the two old guys who heckle the other muppets from the balcony. They remind me of my childhood. Thus, via the commutative principle, Mr. C reminds me of my childhood. If that doesn't make you worthy of Top Ten status, I don't know what does.
7. Uga (UGA)
I'll be honest, Uga... you didn't show me much the last time our paths crossed, at the Georgia Blackout game against Auburn. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall a security guard asking me to take a step away from your air-conditioned doghouse. You're lucky to be on here, you rascal. If only you weren't so perfectly proportioned...
6. Sir Hotspur (USC)
In a conference that's home to a tiger, a pedigreed British bulldog, an eagle, it takes a lot of spunk to be a Gamecock. But don't tell that to Sir Hotspur. This noble bird sits on his perch, nodding respectfully to anyone who catches his eye. He exudes a quiet dignity.
Insert your best cock of the walk joke below in our comments page.
5. Nuclear (ATF)
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms - ever the party crashers - made a last ditch effort to invade the pantheon of SEC mascots. And achieved great success. Nuclear, one of the South's premiere bomb-sniffing dogs, manage to take a decent chunk out of the hand of one unlucky Auburn player. Anytime you manage to bite a competitor, you're in the Top Ten. You'd have a decent shot at No. 1, but unfortunately, you're not an officially sanctioned mascot.
There are certainly some who will disagree with Wildcat's placing this high on the list. But they've obviously never seen this stuffed wonder up close and personal. He looks like something that was woven together on the homefront in World War II. Seriously, that costume must be close to fifty years old, and he reflects the mentality of a bygone era. An era when you were beaten with reeds for being a Communist and punched in the face for being soft.
Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular. Wildcat... Peewww...
3. Volunteer aka Davy Crockett (UT)
I understand he's human, but watch today's video. Enough said.
The Passion of the Vol.
2. Spirit aka War Eagle (Auburn)
I asked Spirit's trainer Roy what kind of prey Spirit, an American golden eagle, was capable of taking down. I was politely informed that if Spirit was so inclined, he could probably take me down. Essentially, he would flap onto my arms, climb up on my head, and sink his three inch talons into my precious cranium.
Truth be told, I'm fairly sure that I could beat Spirit, probably with a well-placed kick. But there was an undeniable mutual respect established between us. It's also pretty impressive that he's the only mascot who's not kept in a cage or on a leash.
This dog is a king. Going South spent the afternoon with him. By the end, I had unquenchable yen to run around in the woods, and run raccoons up trees. Needless to say, the first dog I will be purchasing for myself will be a Bluetick Coonhound.